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Salt Pillar
Friday, February 28, 2003
08:39 p.m.
You're Anti's doll! Amazing... you've come out as
the very physical form of insanity. Despite
your cuteness you are often a danger to
yourself and others. We're not sure WHY you're
here, either.
Which Anti-Bishie Character Are You?
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Retreat.
Thursday, February 27, 2003
09:49 p.m.
I want nothing more than to be free of it all. Free of school, free of family, free of friends. Especially friends. Friends hurt too much. I thought I'd only have to have my heart broken once. Now the time is against me and many of the people I know will be leaving. They all tell me this isn't the end. With bright smiles and cheery eyes they tell me they will visit me and keep in touch. I know this is not so. It has happen to too many others I have known. Jessica, Sophia, Michael, Sean, Jimmy and everyone else I ever knew. Life sweeps up away and we are sometimes helpless to stop it.
Best wishes to all of you on your journey.
Maybe now I can finally be alone.
Monday, February 24, 2003
09:16 p.m.
Do you have Superpowers??
I took the Paragon Powers Test and tested positive for
Also check out the Von Hase Show!
You come from the Middle Ages. Your soul came from
a time when dragons, knights, war and
Princesses ruled the land.
Where Did Your Soul Originate?
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Psycho. You are overwhelmed by anger. You may even
hate the world and everything in it and you
believe revenge is the way of the world. An eye
for an eye.
How Emotional Are You?
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Ha ha ha ha hahahaha
Monday, February 24, 2003
09:05 p.m.
Your anime hair color is green.
What is your anime hair color?
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I Have Returned...
Sunday, February 23, 2003
08:23 p.m.
Fear me all those who mock me. Gin has returned to you all and retribution will be swift. No longer will I be held down by your petty opinions and your stupid short-sightedness. I will show all of you exactly what I am made of!
Where Has All My Self Esteem Gone?
Wednesday, February 19, 2003
09:58 p.m.
I honestly hope I am getting better. I am sick of moping around miserable and feeling depressed all the time. I hate the way things are turning out. First I lost everyone I cared about and moved schools to a hostile enviorment. As I was slowly starting to recover from feeling worthless with the help of people I know, one of the few friends I've made was shipped to New Zealand. I tried not to get too attached but it still HURT. Now I am finally recovering to the point where I no longer always feel like crying. Got there with the help of many of my friends who will all be gone at the end of the year, graduating as seniors. At this point in time, having friends almost seems like a crutch, although I know this is not so. I just hope I am feeling well enough to take another hit. After all, I can't change it. I just hope it doesn't kill me. Even if it doesn't, it'll leave yet another gaping hole in my heart. I still miss everyone. : (
NEVER WILL WEAR MAKEUP AGAIN!
Monday, February 17, 2003
10:08 p.m.
Now I know why snakes and lizards are so grumpy when they shed their skin. Stupid makeup allergy has been making my skin peel since Winter Formal. I have to put lotion on it to keep it from peeling and when I do put lotion on, IT BURNS! AHhhhhhhhhhhhhhh *dies*
Singing in the rain...silently.
Thursday, February 13, 2003
10:20 p.m.
Argh. I cant believe this. Once again I fail to understand the absolute wretchedness of my peers. Normally I only have the normal gripes and whines about how stupid and shallow many of my peers are. Not only does what happened today prove my point to an infinate degree but also shows the immature side of human nature. How irritating is it when to impress their friends someone tries to cut you off and slow you down while you are heading somewhere. One might think it were and accident or a coincidence if not for the fact that there was no one in the hall at the time and the fact that his snickering gave it away. Not once did this happen, but at least 3 times. Why the hell me? I dont even know these people and I go out of my way to avoid peer contact as much as I possibly can. This sucks. Seriously. It is not only annoying but cruel.
It also sucks not having anyone who is willing and able to take the time to listen to you. I wish I had someone who would just listen. They dont have to help but they would at least be able to understand. I dont ask for much in the way of social interaction but I at least want someone to talk to. I dont know if most of the people I know now are up to the task. I wouldn't want to be a burdan on anyone else either. I would be happy to listen to anything anyone else would have to say. If someone were to pour their heart out I would listen earnestly and do what ever I could for that person. I miss conversations with Michael and Ryan. good for the self esteem, good for the soul.
The results are in...
Thursday, February 13, 2003
04:56 p.m.
The awards banquet went smoothly or at least as smoothly as it can go with my team. We were definitaly loud. VERY loud. The lady handing out the awards was glaring at us. I figured that I was only there to cheer my fellow class mates on and that I served no particular purpose. After all, I am was the general education person in a class made of mostly juniors and seniors in AP classes.
But life continues to surprise. I was cheering my class on in the Arts medals. I didn't think I did too good in that subject, so I wasn't even hoping for anything in there. If I did, my hopes would have vanished by the time they got to the 3rd and up places. I was completely off guard when they called my name for one of the first places medals. I though I was going to have a heart attack. I stood up slowly, trying to hide the fact that I was shaking slightly. It turns out that That was not the only good thing that I got that night. I went home with three medals in all: A first place medal in art, a second in Social Sciences and a third in Language and literature. Not too shabby.
hmm....
Friday, February 7, 2003
06:01 a.m.
Well, I am starting to feel better slowly, Both mentally and physically. I have picked up the pace of my reading and I now plow through book again with the same vigor I once had years ago.
There are some interesting people on pitas. Yeah, you know who you are. ^^ Other than that, not much to say.
We all fall down.....
Tuesday, February 4, 2003
10:28 p.m.
I had the misfortune of looking in the mirror while getting ready for bed tonight. I dont even recognize myself anymore. Even saying that I was a shadow of myself would be a compliment. I am utterly destroyed. I am glad that no one I know is here to see me now. I am mentally and physically changed.
mentally, I am worried all the time. I have lost my carefree attitude. I hate being around people because even the nice people make me feel like a monster. I have been stripped of my pride and reduced to rubble. I get stressed easier and I have a tendancy to lose my mind over the most trivial of things. I am more defensive and I do not trust as easily. Loss is no big deal to me anymore and I have lost most of the emotion it takes to actually have anykind of a relationship with anyone. My pride has been smashed and instead of feeling acomplishment, I sometimes feel self hatred. The outlook of "I'm too proud to cry" is replaced with frequently shed tears at night.
Even physically the effects have had their toll. My once perfectly golden brown skin has grown pale. Where I had perfect skin, it is now riddled with alternating patches of acne and cracked dry skin. My detergent allergy has left it's mark and the eczema has spread all over my arms and now to my legs. Under my eyes it is swollen and red, also very noticeable. My beautiful long hair has lost it's shine and is now a nest of tangles.
I cant but help feel ashamed.
Good bye Brianna. Wish you the best in New Zealand.
The letter to my friend...
Saturday, February 1, 2003
07:35 p.m.
Well, it appears that stress does have a good side. Although I feel like I have been ever so close to an emotional melt down it looks like over stress has it's good side.
On one side,
I have not been getting alot of sleep lately and I worry far to much about everything. I spend all of my time trying far to hard to do more than I usually can and still when I do well, I dont seem to feel satisfied enough. It does take the fun out of things, but I am going from lazy to perfectionist. Maybe it does have some down sides, like an A doesn't seem to be good enough and a B is the end of the world, but al least I am doing something.
I do feel a bit moodier and I dont think I can control it and everytime I see people it makes me want to hide from the world (that includes some of my friends). On the very positive side, My appetite seems to have decreased, although I sometimes neglect to feed myself when I am hungry because I dont care that much. I seemed to have lost about 9 lbs in a matter of weeks...it's strange but I dont think it will last.
Victory Dance!
Saturday, February 1, 2003
06:19 p.m.
Well, after the longest week in my life I am free. Free from work, free from stress and free from the monotony of every day life. The Winter Formal was fun, I should post pictures sometime. I did not dance very much. I was too tired. All of those people somehow made me feel...unsettled. Maybe it wasn't the people themselves, just the fact that I did not know anyone. Oh well.
Finally AC DEC competitions are over. I thought I was going to bomb on the Super Quiz, but I did well enough. I didn't embaress myself. I acutally got 10/10. One was a free be though, because they kept screwing the questions up. I dont think that one counted even though I new the answer. Everyone was happy for me. I felt embaressed and at the same time an odd sense of guilt because I did better than some of the other people. Just because my questions were easier than everyone elses. At the same time I could have a sense of pride because no one in the group we sat in did better and they were all Junior and Seniors. At least that ought to make up for the crappy written test scores I got. I feel like I've done something good.
What Was Your PastLife?
Wednesday, January 29, 2003
09:32 a.m.
Argh. I am so stressed. Finals all this week. I'm in computer class right now. The stress is killing me. AHhhhhhh.... Mr. Panici is reviewing my final project right now. In front of the class. Yay I have an A+ in the class now ^^. I think I'm gonna die. Well, the stress is almost over. Today and tomorrow with the hardest finals tomorrow. Along with Winter Formal. Oh, joy. At least I will be with my boyfriend. We were planning to harass Mike. He said he is not going though. ;_; Kate will be there. I dont get to see her that often because she is never in class. Not only that but she is a senior and will be leaving soon. argh. Well I hope Ian and I can entertain ourselves. If worse comes to worse, we can trip unsusecting people > D
Wednesday, January 22, 2003
06:46 a.m.
What element would you rein over? (For Girls)
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Monday, January 20, 2003
10:28 p.m.
I'm having one of those times where self-doubt looms over me like a rain cloud. I feel like I am failing although all the evidence proves me wrong. Is there a justifiable reason to feel like a failure? My grades reflect a hardworking student I feel like I am not doing good enough. I am pushing myself to do better than I already am. Even in my English class I keep striving to do better. Although this may sound positive, I am obsessivly pushing raise my grade from a 99.5% to over 100. It almost seems somewhat arrogant. Perhaps Academic Decathlon is playing a large part in it. I am not as good as I once seemed to be. In middle school, I scored within the top 90% percent on the standardized tests and Even scored 1000 on the SAT 1 exam for Junior and Senior students in high school when I was in 8th grade. I still cant help but feel stupid. I am pushing myself so hard I think I am starting to break under the pressure. I am getting less and less sleep, although I think about sleeping more and more. I cant stop pushing myself regardless of how much I can handle and I cant help but want to cry all the time. I keep wanting to hide away from the world. It's disheartening and I dont know what is wrong. I just want to hide. But until something happens, I have finals in a week, Academic comp. In the 25th and too much work to handle.
Thursday, January 16, 2003
08:54 p.m.
Too much work...
Wednesday, January 15, 2003
10:42 p.m.
Tired...I added a new original story to fanfiction.net. Not much up yet. I hope it shows on the stupid site. Almost time for stupid finals. Argh! Stress.
Marinating in my own stupidity.
Tuesday, January 14, 2003
07:58 p.m.
Stressed. I am starting to hate academic decathlon becuse I have the hardest time trying to keep up with everyone else. I am younger than many of the people there and have not taken the classes they have. Not to mention that everyone is in AP of TMS classes. I only have regular classes and am far too stupid to keep up with everyone else. It is too hard. We have first competitions in 11 days and I do not know anything. I feel too stupid to be in this class.
My art deadline is drawing near, and tension is rising in class.
To add to the mess one of the few friends I have left after having to leave all my friends is getting sent to New Zealand. Only justifies why I choose have no friends. something Like this always happens. Never allow yourself to get too attached to anything. Even the most unlikely of people leave scars.
Tuesday, January 14, 2003
06:41 a.m.
Which Hospitalized J-rock Theatre J-rocker are you?
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Which Gackt are you most like?
quiz by  mcvarmazi
You are the trenchcoat-clad gloomy Gackt.
Gloomy, a little depressing, but incredibly artistic, "Sekiray" is believed to be one of Gackt's most fascinating pieces to date.
With a music video that fantastically conveys the angry isolation and frustration Gackt sings about, this song can be a real tear-jerker on a really bad day for many fans. If nothing else, it's thought-provoking. "Sekiray" is one of the few songs where the full range of the emotional power can only be experienced through both the song AND video.
More Quizzes
Tuesday, January 14, 2003
06:17 a.m.
Which Dir en Grey member would be your ideal boyfriend?
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What random Kaoru outburst are you?
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Which member of Dir en grey are YOU?
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What Dir en Grey Anatomy Are You?
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What's your inner Totchi?
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which member of dir en grey hates you the most?
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Which Kyo are you MOST like?
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How Jrock are You?
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How am I angsty? Never a day in my life! okay...well, maybe once or....
Monday, January 13, 2003
04:03 p.m.
Hmm... I was looking through several people's journals and noticed something spectacular. Many of the people are otakus or J-Rockers! Yay! I'm so happy. FINALLY!
I am so sick of people giving me dirty looks because I listen to J-Rock. What's wrong with that? Okay, some I'm not Japanese. So? Music is universal. It is what it is. Has anyone that makes those comments actually listened to it? Honestly? Many people who do listen to it acutally like it. Or if they dont, they can usually appreciate their unique style. Here are all the J-rock quizzes I already took.
Which sad j-rock song are you?
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Which female jrocker are you? Quiz by OM : Indira
Which Plastic Tree Member Are You?
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Doki Doki Dir en grey quizz ver 2.0
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Monday, January 13, 2003
06:58 a.m.
Gradually becoming more and more known, it's doesn't hurt that you're good friends with some extremely popular people; you deserve whatever attention comes your way. You're very intelligent and are most likely interested in various cultures.
take the "which neglected jrock band are you?" test. or something. |
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Sunday, January 12, 2003
09:39 a.m.
Hmmm testing testing...Sheesh I am bored.
Salt Pillar
Sunday, January 12, 2003
09:33 a.m.
Wow. I have my own weblog. cool. Now I just need to chage the colors or something.
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